Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (published in May 1992) is a book by John Gray offering many suggestions for improving husband-wife relationships by understanding the communication style and emotional needs of the opposite sex. The book, as suggested by the title, asserts the notion that men and women are as different as beings from other planets.
Gray adopts this metaphor as the central theme of all his books and seminars, likening men and women to the classical Greek god Mars and goddess Venus as ideal types.
In contrast to some psychologists (and feminists) who emphasize similarities between the sexes, Gray writes almost exclusively about differences. Gray briefly mentions the fact that his "Martians" and "Venusians" are only stereotypes and cannot be applied blindly to individuals. Gray acknowledges that the "Mars-Venusian" split is merely a generalization that cannot apply to all men and women, but this is easily overlooked because the book focuses on differences. Where sex differences exist, there is often considerable overlap between the sexes.
An example of the theories it offers is that women complain about problems because they want their problems to be acknowledged, while men complain about problems because they are asking for solutions. Other concepts in the book are the difference between women and men's point systems and how they react under stress.
According to Gray, a woman relieves stress by talking about it, which the man may interpret as an accusation or request for a solution. In terms of woman (or Venusian language) it is just sharing a problem which she wants to be acknowledged. The man on the other hand has a basic instinct to give a solution because Martians (that is, men) do not discuss a problem unless they want a solution. This can become a bone of contention between a husband and wife because he jumps in with his answer and she interprets this as an undue interruption and makes her feel as if she's not being listened to. The author suggests that this conflict can be avoided if the man understands this situation and silently listens rather than offer a solution. Once she has been heard she will become de-stressed and normalized. On the other hand, just listening to a man will be similarly frustrating for him, because he's asking for your advice, not your sympathy. The woman needs to understand this and offer practical advice rather than just being sympathetic.
Gray suggests that while a man might count a $200 present as 20 points and a $10 item as 1 point, women count each item as 1 point. The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks he has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly.
Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or craft room. On the other hand, he believes that women want to discuss problems when they occur. This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman constantly tries to grow closer. This becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman. As one reviewer put it: When men go into their cave, they are actually going through a phase of their relationship with a woman, when they want to be left alone. Any woman who has wondered why a boyfriend is not e mailing/calling/messaging/meeting her will know what it feels like to be shut out of the cave. Women and 'the wave' is a concept [which] means that women go through periodic phases when they are unable to keep up their spirits without help and assistance from understanding men. At such times, 'the wave' crashes, and it needs to be given love and reassurance to rise up again with its usual confidence.
John Gray: What Makes Men Happy is Not the Same for Women ...
John Gray: How Men Communicate ...
John Gray: Letting Your Partner Off the Hook ...
John Gray: Communication Keeps Passion Alive ...
John Gray: How Men and Women Cope with Stress Differently ...
John Gray: Holding Back Leads to Losing the Love ...
